Days 6, 7, 8... goodbye Skype

I am not taking the time to post pictures here today, I will tomorrow. I just wanted to write some things down. 

So days 6 and 7 you were gone we got to communicate often. Not a whole lot happened that you didn't know about. That was nice. I felt connected. 

But today was D day. Today you headed to Dillingham and I knew communication would be minimal. What was getting me through was knowing that at night, most nights hopefully, we could Skype and I could see your face. And the boys too of course. But that's not exactly the case is it?

So I had to work today and we had a rushing-around-running-late kind of morning. I was up late Skyping with you the night before. It was like our last hoorah before we wouldn't get to as much. I was okay with that. Work was fine, Sam and Jack had fun. I had ordered some photo prints from Walmart to put together the boy's little daddy photo albums so I needed to pick those up after work. When we finally left it was so close to lunch time, I thought, well let's get lunch. I didn't want to do fast food and I knew Denny's was right there. I thought, okay, I can handle a little lunch date alone with both boys. BOY WAS I WRONG. There were claw toy machines in there that Jackson was checking out but when our table was ready he did not want to leave. So I had to take a screaming toddler to our table and block him in the booth while he threw a major fit. I was so embarrassed and frustrated. Then I checked my email and it went downhill after that.

I learned that you couldn't Skype or download videos or even stream Netflix where you're at. What is the point of wifi if you can't do any of the great things wifi has to offer?! Anyways, it was all too much and took everything in me not to start bawling right then and there. I was so upset. Then Jackson needed to go potty, and I had to take Sam too making it all the more difficult,  then our food came and he needed to poop, once again, pain in the butt. Figures. I quickly realized this was the worst idea I'd had in a long time. Jackson insisted on getting a salad and grapes. He ate the grapes. Sam wouldn't eat the chicken nuggets and ate some grapes. I scarfed my chicken sandwich as fast as I could and our table was a disaster. It was a bad experience, and I don't plan on taking them out alone again any time soon. That made me miss you, A LOT.

Then after lunch we still had to go in the store, God help me. It was hectic but not too terrible. 

Finally we got home and both boys were passed out. I put Sammy in bed no problem, he was fine. Jackson freaked out and then never took a nap, lovely.  

Then I spent my afternoon researching mobile hotspots, prepaid GCI phone plans and other ways we could stay in touch. I think it might be possible after all. But I'm not really sure. 

I will admit, today was a bad day. It was a hard day. A day I wish I could've heard your voice. I just keep praying you can borrow somebody's phone and call. I keep my phone attached to my hip and check my email constantly. 

It's like I'm grieving our communication we had the past week. I knew it would be less, I did. I just thought we would have Skype.

I better get going. Dinner is here. I had Encanto Grill deliver. They are my lifesaver. Spaghetti and ravioli for dinner tonight. 

I hope your first day went well and I look forward to hearing all about it one way or another. I will try and blog daily on the boys with pictures so you don't miss anything. 

We love and miss you!!!!!

8 days down, 57 to go!

Day 3 & 4 Crazy busy!

The 3rd and 4th day you've been gone we have been busy. But also we were able to communicate a lot, so I don't have a whole lot to write to you about. Mostly some pictures and some cute things Jackson said.

Kisses for daddy

Day 3:

I only had one thing to do today, go to the store for a few things and get gas. The morning didn't turn out how I had planned and we ended up going out after nap time in the late afternoon. But you already know about all that! In fact, I pretty much filled you in on everything about today, but one thing. I noticed when I was writing down the few things I needed to get from the store, for a split second I wanted to text you and ask you if there was anything you needed while I was there :( that made me sad. 

The good news is that I'm crying a lot less about missing you, usually it's about being alone with both kids and chaos. Our sweet little boy has been acting out an awful lot this week. I don't know if I can attribute that to you leaving and all the changes in routines, but that might be it. 

Lunch

As always, I miss you so incredibly much! I know that our communication is going to be a lot less once you actually start working, so I am grateful for being able to text you and talk to you throughout the day. I know that won't be the case after Monday. 

LOVE YOU! 3 days down, 62 to go!





Day 4: 

Today we had big plans! We were going to the zoo and to our friend, Cheyenne's birthday party. As you know, the morning was a struggle and we got a much later start than planned. As with the day before I got to talk with you and text with you often so you pretty much know all about how today went. And you know that I about lost my mind! I decided that tomorrow we will stay home and try and recover. Jackson has been trying my patience. Sam has been struggling with sleep (but our new plan is working). So I do see hope for some kind of normalcy in the future.

A couple things I wanted to remember to tell you about today:
Jackson told me at breakfast, "Mom, if you sit on a chair with a spider on it, don't sit on it." LOL. He always cracks me up with what can only be called his, Jacksonisms. You know what I mean by that, I'm sure. 

Also, when we finally got on the road to the zoo I turned on the VBS CD that the boys love. That first song, you know the one, started playing and as soon as Sam heard the music he said, "HOOH" and he and Jackson were taking turns going, "HOOH". It was so adorable and it made me laugh out loud and smile and the struggles of the morning didn't seem so bad. 

The last thing of the day was at dinner time. You know I cooked, finally, and that was nice. And at dinner Jackson said to me, "Mom, I wish you could make dinner for daddy." I wish that too. He has no idea how much I miss our family dinners. I sat in your seat last night and we had a pretty nice time, but you were definitely missed. 

Ready to go!

Ready to go!

Yesterday I was so busy and I was so exhausted I didn't have time to cry about missing you. But I always miss you. I love you so much. And here's some more pictures I don't think I had already sent you...

Sam was pointing and saying, "oooh! Ooooh!

Black bear!

Snack/lunch

Not a fan of swinging!

Playground

 

Dinner!

Not eating dinner

4 down, 61 to go!

Day 2... a tad easier?

Tired much?

Happy Sammy

Today I cried less than the day before. Yay! Still missing you more than I ever have, EVER. But plugging right along. As you know we had a rough morning, but thankfully going to work keeps me busy, and staying busy is what helps. Today Jackson asked about you more than he has (I was starting to worry) and while I'm happy he is thinking of you, it's sad to hear him say things like, "can daddy come home now?" 

Mooching for goldfish

Once we were home from my work we had lunch, I got Jackson a kids meal from Jack in the Box. He was so cute he said, "Jack in the Box! Like me! I'm Jack too!" and I felt bad because after his lunch he kept asking if he could have his jack in the box. I had to keep explaining to him that jack in the box was the name of the restaurant but he doesn't actually get a jack in the box. He was pretty bummed about that. It was too cute though. 

Sam had PB&J and made a massive mess out of it. Today I had decided I was going to nap when the boys do, and you know me, I rarely do that. And of course Sam was NOT ready for a nap when Jack was so they napped at opposite times and I didn't at all. I managed to survive, just drank more coffee. 

I was so proud of myself today that I remember to take out the recycling can the night before AND brought it back in the next day. I just felt that was worth mentioning because this has always been your job, and it's not a difficult job, it's just one more thing to remember to do. That's the hard part. 

After Jackson woke from his nap I asked him if it would be okay if we ordered take out for dinner, I hadn't planned very well and it was almost dinner time. He said, "ya, mom, that would be fine. We can do that." Thanks buddy! So we ordered Encanto Grill, he requested ravioli and I got that pasta thing I had last time. Then we went outside in the back yard so I could scoop dog poop, oh the joys. Jackson drew some great side walk chalk pictures and dug some holes.  

We went to pick up our dinner and I got to talk to you which, as usual, made my day. Jackson did not eat his requested ravioli (what is up with this kid!?) but he did eat some frozen blueberries, garlic toast and drank all his milk. Sammy chowed down on all of it and just about cleaned his plate. 

We got to Skype with you. YAY! And I'm not sure, but it seemed like it was hard for you when Jackson was asking you to come home. That was hard for me too. I'm glad they got to see your face though. 

Bath time tonight was quick, get in, get clean, get out. It was kinda late. Jackson put all the toys away, as usual. One of the many skills daddy taught him, thank you for that. And then he went right to bed. I nursed and held Sam for a long time, tried putting him to bed and he just screamed. I finally decided to put him in his swing, again. I feel I am totally failing with his bed time situation and I can't get him to sleep like you used to. I try the things you say you do and they don't work for me. I just hope we can figure it out eventually. 

I was so incredibly tired after the boys went to bed but I stayed up anyways. I needed to just sit there in the quiet and have some alone time. Plus I forgot to start the diaper laundry so I was waiting on that too. But I didn't cry. I was alone, and I was okay. I did watch Surviving Jack, which was hilarious and made me miss you because I knew you would've been laughing with me. I also watched Big Bang Theory, also hilarious, also made me miss your laughter. I didn't delete them from our DVR though... I thought you might want to watch them when you get home. 

Thankfully both boys slept all night without waking, I was grateful for that. And I only cried a little before falling asleep. 

All in all today was a little easier. I think it will just continue to get easier from here on out.

Just want you to know that I love you, miss you, and I am so incredibly proud of you. Thank you for all that you're doing for us. Thank you for being so wonderful. Thank you for taking such good care of us.  

2 days down, 62 to go!!!

Day 1 Without You

After a really rough night waking up was hard to do. I think I hit snooze at least 5 or 6 times. Hey, just like you used to! ;) Sam was in the bed but he was sound asleep and I was able to get ready for work without waking him. The morning went pretty smoothly actually and I made it to work on time and without a hitch. Jackson said to me when I was getting him ready, "is daddy already at work?" I told him, "No, sweetie, Daddy is in Alaska." He said, "It's okay, he will be home for dinner." I told him, "No, remember he is in Alaska? We won't see him for a while." He said, "Don't worry mom, we will be fine." Jackson, taking after his daddy and knowing just what to say. Such a sweet boy he is. :)

This kid was rocking in the chair and
totally photo bombed the pic! 

Mommy's work

After work I got to talk to you on the phone for a quick minute. Hearing your voice, again, made me feel so much better. Then communications throughout the rest of the day were scattered and minimal, which, as you know, was upsetting to me. I just wanted to know what was going on. 

No pictures please!

Nap time

After work we had lunch and then nap time was shortly after that. I was doing great, I did dishes, laundry, picked up, got stuff ready for work the next day... and then I sat down, alone and there it was again. The loneliness. The emptiness. The aching feeling in my heart. Missing you terribly and crying yet again. Gathering your empty hangers made me cry. Putting away your dishes and coffee thermos made me cry. It was off and on all afternoon. 

After nap sucker

And then before I knew it, nap time was over, and it was dinner time. I made your pizza that you left behind, assuming it would be a hit. Jackson didn't eat at all. Sam ate as much as a grown man. Ha! And then it was bath and bed time again. I was holding on to the hope of skyping but it didn't work out with your schedule. 

He said, "It's not regular pizza!" (pepperoni?)

Chowing down on pizza

Jackson went to bed easy and early and Sam was more difficult and I finally caved and put him in his swing because I was too tired to rock him for hours. 

Trying to do what daddy did.
It didn't work. :(

I was finally able to shower (I was beginning to worry that wasn't going to be possible) and got to talk to you on the phone. I was kind of a mess, huh? But as always, you brought me back. You got me through. And then we skyped too and I knew I could fall asleep peacefully. Unfortunately the boys did not want to sleep peacefully and in the wee hours of the morning we were all piled in our bed together, not sleeping very well at all. The saddest part was Jackson waking in the night screaming that he wanted daddy. I had to let him in our bed after that, it was heartbreaking. 

Rough night

Waking up was even worse than the day before, but the best part was tearing a link off of the chain you and Jackson made. 1 day down 64 to go.

The Day You Left

Today you left. You got on an airplane and flew to Alaska. Deep down I know all the reasons we came to this decision together. I know that the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices. I know that we will be in such a better place financially because of this new job. I know that technology will keep us connected. I know that we can see your face through Skype and pictures. I know that we can hear your voice too. I know that others may get far less. But it was one of the hardest days I've ever had as a mother/wife. 

I tried so hard to keep it together at the airport. The tears were streaming, but I never let it become more than that. After all, there were people everywhere already staring at us...they were probably wondering... where is he going? Why is he leaving? That's so sad. He has two kids. I know why you're leaving. Jackson does not understand. Sam is totally clueless. But I know that they will soon realize what it means, to not have you here. 


Through my tear filled eyes I struggled to find the right exit out of the terminal. I kept ending up in the west parking lot when I knew that I was parked in the east (mostly because you took a picture of our spot and sent it to me). You know me so well. You knew I would forget. You always take good care of us. Once I realized I didn't know where I was or where to go or how to get where I needed, I was ready to have a breakdown. I was ready to sit on the floor of the airport and just sob. That's what my heart was telling me to do. But my head told me, calm down. Get it together. You have children who do not need to see you like that. So I did what I always do when I'm about to have a breakdown and I called you. You were already through security and thankfully answered. It was like everything was right with the world again. You explained to me I needed to head to the other end of the airport where we came in to get to the east parking lot. This seems like common sense but in my grief, common sense was out the window. I was able to calm down because we had a plan and knew where to go. Thank you Daddy. 

Then Jackson loudly informed me, "Mommy! I need to go potty! Now!" Right at that moment we were passing the family restroom, SIDE NOTE: THANK GOD FOR FAMILY RESTROOMS! So us and our limo double stroller squeezed in to the family bathroom and Jackson was able to do his business. I was able to sit on the bench, cry a little, and get it together. He kept asking me, "mommy, why are you crying?" I just kept telling him, "I am just going to miss daddy." He didn't get it. 

Once we left the bathroom I had a new mission, go the other way. And so we did. Jackson was singing an array of every song he knows, and quite loudly. People were staring. I think I might have been crying off and on. But most importantly I was booking it through that terminal pushing our giant stroller as fast as I could without running. 

We finally got to the car and that made me want to cry all over. I got the boys in the car and went to fold up the stroller. I was so upset I could NOT get the darn thing to fold up right. I tried several times, finally gave up, and threw the whole unfolded thing in the back of the Xterra. Once I got in the driver's seat it was like an opening of the floodgates. It all hit me. Holding it in the whole time in the airport. The fact that this was really happening. All of it hit me like a ton of bricks in that driver's seat. And I just sobbed. I made sounds that I have never heard myself make. It was bad and it was probably ugly. Poor Jackson was so confused about why I was upset. Eventually, though, I was able to pull myself together so that I could drive home. 

I had originally planned to stop at Old Navy and get some dinner on the way home. But that all changed when you were actually gone. All I wanted to do was get home. And I realized as I left the airport grounds that I was also in rush hour traffic. What a great reminder of why we no longer live in the Phoenix area! Thankfully you reminded me that I could take the carpool lane, as I said earlier, always taking care of us. So luckily we made it out of the city much quicker than if we would have been stuck in the long lines of traffic on I17. 

Jackson sang most of the way out of the city and Sam was asleep almost instantly. I was having a harder time than I imagined I would. I would be fine one minute, then hear a song and BAM, tears. I never let myself cry too hard because safely driving home was my main goal. I promised myself if I couldn't keep it together I would pull over. Luckily it never got that bad. 

We were finally home and as badly as I just wanted to get there, I also dreaded going inside. Feeling the emptiness. Seeing all your things. Seeing you not there. Knowing you won't be for months. I was dreading all of this. Both of the boys were asleep so I went inside alone first. And it was bad. I was not strong. I was not brave. I was weak and I was a mess. I cried. I sobbed. I cried and sobbed like I haven't done in years. I had to sit down on the floor and just let it all go. I smelled your shirt. I cried and cried and sobbed. I was a total mess. I don't really know how but I finally got myself together and brought the boys inside and started getting things done. Dinner, laundry, getting ready for work the next day. And I was busy. Too busy to be thinking. Too busy to cry. 

That evening I got to talk to you on the phone and it made everything better. You said what I needed to hear. You made me laugh. You made me feel better. You made me feel okay. You made me feel like I CAN do this. And then we got to Skype later that night and seeing your face was even better than hearing your voice. ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: THANK GOD FOR SKYPE! I finally felt like I could go on. 

I was totally fine until I went to bed. And that is when I felt the most alone. No cold feet trying to rub my legs. No goodnight hugs and kisses. No late night laughs about the most recent joke/picture you showed me on your phone. No talking. No nothing. Just quiet. Until I started sobbing again. Eventually I was so tired I couldn't cry any more and had to sleep. But it was a rough night. Sam woke up, I woke up. I tossed and turned. It was not enjoyable. But I survived. I survived saying goodbye to my best friend. My soul mate. The most amazing husband I could have ever imagined for myself. The father of my children (and an amazing father at that). I made it through dinner, and bath, and story time without you. I was still sad, and still grieving your presence, but I was glad that the day was over. And glad that I had to work the next day because it would keep my mind busy.