Day 1 Without You

After a really rough night waking up was hard to do. I think I hit snooze at least 5 or 6 times. Hey, just like you used to! ;) Sam was in the bed but he was sound asleep and I was able to get ready for work without waking him. The morning went pretty smoothly actually and I made it to work on time and without a hitch. Jackson said to me when I was getting him ready, "is daddy already at work?" I told him, "No, sweetie, Daddy is in Alaska." He said, "It's okay, he will be home for dinner." I told him, "No, remember he is in Alaska? We won't see him for a while." He said, "Don't worry mom, we will be fine." Jackson, taking after his daddy and knowing just what to say. Such a sweet boy he is. :)

This kid was rocking in the chair and
totally photo bombed the pic! 

Mommy's work

After work I got to talk to you on the phone for a quick minute. Hearing your voice, again, made me feel so much better. Then communications throughout the rest of the day were scattered and minimal, which, as you know, was upsetting to me. I just wanted to know what was going on. 

No pictures please!

Nap time

After work we had lunch and then nap time was shortly after that. I was doing great, I did dishes, laundry, picked up, got stuff ready for work the next day... and then I sat down, alone and there it was again. The loneliness. The emptiness. The aching feeling in my heart. Missing you terribly and crying yet again. Gathering your empty hangers made me cry. Putting away your dishes and coffee thermos made me cry. It was off and on all afternoon. 

After nap sucker

And then before I knew it, nap time was over, and it was dinner time. I made your pizza that you left behind, assuming it would be a hit. Jackson didn't eat at all. Sam ate as much as a grown man. Ha! And then it was bath and bed time again. I was holding on to the hope of skyping but it didn't work out with your schedule. 

He said, "It's not regular pizza!" (pepperoni?)

Chowing down on pizza

Jackson went to bed easy and early and Sam was more difficult and I finally caved and put him in his swing because I was too tired to rock him for hours. 

Trying to do what daddy did.
It didn't work. :(

I was finally able to shower (I was beginning to worry that wasn't going to be possible) and got to talk to you on the phone. I was kind of a mess, huh? But as always, you brought me back. You got me through. And then we skyped too and I knew I could fall asleep peacefully. Unfortunately the boys did not want to sleep peacefully and in the wee hours of the morning we were all piled in our bed together, not sleeping very well at all. The saddest part was Jackson waking in the night screaming that he wanted daddy. I had to let him in our bed after that, it was heartbreaking. 

Rough night

Waking up was even worse than the day before, but the best part was tearing a link off of the chain you and Jackson made. 1 day down 64 to go.

The Day You Left

Today you left. You got on an airplane and flew to Alaska. Deep down I know all the reasons we came to this decision together. I know that the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices. I know that we will be in such a better place financially because of this new job. I know that technology will keep us connected. I know that we can see your face through Skype and pictures. I know that we can hear your voice too. I know that others may get far less. But it was one of the hardest days I've ever had as a mother/wife. 

I tried so hard to keep it together at the airport. The tears were streaming, but I never let it become more than that. After all, there were people everywhere already staring at us...they were probably wondering... where is he going? Why is he leaving? That's so sad. He has two kids. I know why you're leaving. Jackson does not understand. Sam is totally clueless. But I know that they will soon realize what it means, to not have you here. 


Through my tear filled eyes I struggled to find the right exit out of the terminal. I kept ending up in the west parking lot when I knew that I was parked in the east (mostly because you took a picture of our spot and sent it to me). You know me so well. You knew I would forget. You always take good care of us. Once I realized I didn't know where I was or where to go or how to get where I needed, I was ready to have a breakdown. I was ready to sit on the floor of the airport and just sob. That's what my heart was telling me to do. But my head told me, calm down. Get it together. You have children who do not need to see you like that. So I did what I always do when I'm about to have a breakdown and I called you. You were already through security and thankfully answered. It was like everything was right with the world again. You explained to me I needed to head to the other end of the airport where we came in to get to the east parking lot. This seems like common sense but in my grief, common sense was out the window. I was able to calm down because we had a plan and knew where to go. Thank you Daddy. 

Then Jackson loudly informed me, "Mommy! I need to go potty! Now!" Right at that moment we were passing the family restroom, SIDE NOTE: THANK GOD FOR FAMILY RESTROOMS! So us and our limo double stroller squeezed in to the family bathroom and Jackson was able to do his business. I was able to sit on the bench, cry a little, and get it together. He kept asking me, "mommy, why are you crying?" I just kept telling him, "I am just going to miss daddy." He didn't get it. 

Once we left the bathroom I had a new mission, go the other way. And so we did. Jackson was singing an array of every song he knows, and quite loudly. People were staring. I think I might have been crying off and on. But most importantly I was booking it through that terminal pushing our giant stroller as fast as I could without running. 

We finally got to the car and that made me want to cry all over. I got the boys in the car and went to fold up the stroller. I was so upset I could NOT get the darn thing to fold up right. I tried several times, finally gave up, and threw the whole unfolded thing in the back of the Xterra. Once I got in the driver's seat it was like an opening of the floodgates. It all hit me. Holding it in the whole time in the airport. The fact that this was really happening. All of it hit me like a ton of bricks in that driver's seat. And I just sobbed. I made sounds that I have never heard myself make. It was bad and it was probably ugly. Poor Jackson was so confused about why I was upset. Eventually, though, I was able to pull myself together so that I could drive home. 

I had originally planned to stop at Old Navy and get some dinner on the way home. But that all changed when you were actually gone. All I wanted to do was get home. And I realized as I left the airport grounds that I was also in rush hour traffic. What a great reminder of why we no longer live in the Phoenix area! Thankfully you reminded me that I could take the carpool lane, as I said earlier, always taking care of us. So luckily we made it out of the city much quicker than if we would have been stuck in the long lines of traffic on I17. 

Jackson sang most of the way out of the city and Sam was asleep almost instantly. I was having a harder time than I imagined I would. I would be fine one minute, then hear a song and BAM, tears. I never let myself cry too hard because safely driving home was my main goal. I promised myself if I couldn't keep it together I would pull over. Luckily it never got that bad. 

We were finally home and as badly as I just wanted to get there, I also dreaded going inside. Feeling the emptiness. Seeing all your things. Seeing you not there. Knowing you won't be for months. I was dreading all of this. Both of the boys were asleep so I went inside alone first. And it was bad. I was not strong. I was not brave. I was weak and I was a mess. I cried. I sobbed. I cried and sobbed like I haven't done in years. I had to sit down on the floor and just let it all go. I smelled your shirt. I cried and cried and sobbed. I was a total mess. I don't really know how but I finally got myself together and brought the boys inside and started getting things done. Dinner, laundry, getting ready for work the next day. And I was busy. Too busy to be thinking. Too busy to cry. 

That evening I got to talk to you on the phone and it made everything better. You said what I needed to hear. You made me laugh. You made me feel better. You made me feel okay. You made me feel like I CAN do this. And then we got to Skype later that night and seeing your face was even better than hearing your voice. ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: THANK GOD FOR SKYPE! I finally felt like I could go on. 

I was totally fine until I went to bed. And that is when I felt the most alone. No cold feet trying to rub my legs. No goodnight hugs and kisses. No late night laughs about the most recent joke/picture you showed me on your phone. No talking. No nothing. Just quiet. Until I started sobbing again. Eventually I was so tired I couldn't cry any more and had to sleep. But it was a rough night. Sam woke up, I woke up. I tossed and turned. It was not enjoyable. But I survived. I survived saying goodbye to my best friend. My soul mate. The most amazing husband I could have ever imagined for myself. The father of my children (and an amazing father at that). I made it through dinner, and bath, and story time without you. I was still sad, and still grieving your presence, but I was glad that the day was over. And glad that I had to work the next day because it would keep my mind busy.